Joy to the World

The holiday season has always been a season of giving in my heart. Though when I was little, I could not grasp how to achieve this concept, I had always endeavored to give to my loved ones by not taking, and not asking for anything. Now, as my thoughts and ideas have matured over the years, a small happiness grows in my heart as I realize I can now not only understand the subtleties of the holiday spirit, but give back to my loved ones.

It has been a pleasure to see the warm smiles of my friends and family, and the special look in their eyes when we make a connection born out of love and giving. For me, these precious moments will be treasured in my heart. Christmas will always remain my favorite time of year if we can create these moments year after year.

My sincere wish for everyone this holiday season is to feel the warmth of a friend or family member. We remember God's Gift to us during this time, and I hope that we pass on the joy of giving to everyone in our lives. I know that usually greed and selfishness consumes much of the world. Yet, if we can have this time, at least, for people to give and share, I will always remain hopeful for this world's future.

Let us all try and bring just a little bit more joy to the world.

Friendship - Noun

The origin of the word friend comes from the Old English word friund, meaning "to love".

It looks like another quarter shall soon pass, and like usual, the days fly by with a seemingly unsurmountable mountain of things to do and consider. Yet, there are moments where I can take a deep breath and reflect by myself. And once again, it looks like the time has come for me to wake up from this happy daze I had allowed myself to enjoy and walk once more with confidence into this uncertain future.

As I take a look around, I cannot help but smile to myself when I see the faces of my friends. They have such determined faces, even those that would not admit it. With all of their passion they rush headlong to face such obstacles as conquering their next final and worrying over when or how they shall return safe and sound to their respective homes. Even their mild complaints and gentle whining brings a little warmth to my heart. Of course, I do not take delight in their frustrations, but I am happy to see that each and every one of them are trying so hard.

Seeing them and being with them always allows me, for a moment, a small escape from all the heavy weights that I know one must carry. My friends have been a wonderful reprieve and a refreshing solace, giving me a new sight and a brighter perspective.

I have often pondered over the meaning of friendship, to grasp a solid form of it. Yet, I suppose what I had always been stuck on was not really the meaning of friendship, but rather, the form of it as an expression of love.

After being away from my family for almost a year, except for visits that never last more than a week at maximum, I had started to feel a little bit more hollow than I had felt before. With that, and previous events like the splitting up of my best friends since high school, and suffering a break up, I had felt more and more alone and isolated. My ideals that I had from before seemed broken. The golden rules of friendship seemed far from being reciprocated and I had seemed to walk just by myself.

I guess I craved love.

I suppose I had tried to bandage this empty feeling with such defective salves as throwing myself into school, flirtatious encounters, projects and later, work. I suppose it was one of many reasons on why I had yearned for a relationship so much toward the end of last school year, and even through the summer. Yet, something changed as I noticed my new friendships growing. Though, I had dared not to hope such friendships would become as strong as the ones that I had lost, I had thought to immerse myself in their world, at least as a simple mask to hide all my feelings and worries. Or, so I had thought.

Now, in the light of blossoming friendships, true and unyielding, I have allowed myself to hope more and more. Though the experiences are different from the ones that I have lost, and though sometimes their naivety and singularly pure mindset seem altogether too innocent a world for me, I now find myself treasuring all my friends in simple love. They are wonderful people. And though I know that such emotional attachment and investment will mean that if anything happens, it will hurt all the more. Yet, I cannot help but place my faith and trust in them and allow this vulnerability.

I smile to myself, and think that though many of them probably do not understand me, or what all my actions may imply, I find it amazing that they have invariably become closer and closer to me.

Yes, and now, once again, I have a little bit more strength to face the things I need to face. I had put off these responsibilities for just a little while, because I wanted some time to be locked in memory. I wanted some altogether wonderful and heartfelt moments to be stored away in my heart, without being marred by some ugly, shaking uncertainty. And they have supplied me with them in such ample amounts. I thank God for watching over me, and allowing for this to happen.

Now, I have to focus and find the resolve to keep moving forward. With the shaking economy, my mother has lost her job. And once again, I am preparing to battle for my position in school, despite doubts of what I wish to do in the future. Though God has supplied a way for me to sustain myself and school with a job, the pressure now mounts little by little. Added to the burdens of being a pillar of emotional stability for my family and an exemplary good son for my dad, sometimes cooking and cleaning seem like arduous tasks.

Yet, I know I am growing and I am alive. And most of all, I celebrate each day because I have my precious and wonderful friends. Nothing ever wearies me if its them. Their smiles have always made every effort for them worth it, and their comfort makes all my worries seem much lighter.

Though I know not what the future may hold for me, I have God leading me, and my friends always beside me. What more can I ask for?

This will always be sustenance enough for my body, spirit, and soul.

Starry Winter Night

Such a starry splendid night.
Each star twinkling with all their might.
Like an orchestra of silent light,
They sing in harmony in my sight.
And chance would have me walking slow
Under their glowing, sparkling show,
Where the crisp winter air
Called me out my lair.

The fall leaves crunch softly beneath my shoes
And the world calls gently to my muse.
Lost in thought, I know not where I go.
Winter is coming with her elegant snow.

Each breath and sigh turns to mist,
Disappears and ceases to exist.
time is marching fast and fast.
Yet, the night seems to last at last.
Breathing deeply, in such serene a night,
The world contents me with her sight
And the stars remind me by their light,
Smiling, I think of you tonight.

Postive > Negative

After all, shall really life be that dramatic? =)

Smiles.

Thin Red Line

The battles of everyday life seem incomparable to the struggles with oneself. There is, perhaps an art to keeping friendly yet not close, and still be warm enough as not to be felt cold. Such constant control of the body and mind seem almost like constant warfare - perhaps it is something that I just wish to lose, and thus, I cross the invisible red lines that I have drawn myself. I shall need to redouble my efforts... somehow.

Ridiculous, one may say, and mad probably. After all, who dares to even begin to believe that they can tempt fate by mere human ways? I should probably believe this too, and make things easier upon myself... though in consequence harder on others.

I am a micro social scientist, and though the ramblings of this little blog seem rather incoherent or illogical to those who may stumble upon it, it makes true sense. For every action, invariably, has its consequences upon the surrounding people.

adieu

Hazy Clarity

I suppose now, once again, I shall need to smile and put on a show. Though there have been many disappointments I will be strong despite the futility of my words and actions. It is always painful to watch someone close to me tread a road that is full of dangers and temptations and one slip would mean starting over at square one for them. This pain is accentuated by the mere fact that I understand that there are safer (though, perhaps harder) paths to take, and the knowledge that my guidance fall upon nearly deaf ears. Or, if they do hear it, their hearts lack the will to walk such other paths.

Thus, I must now walk a balance on thin red lines and deny myself to think or hope on any ground that I may have gained. Through the tribulations of previous and similar injuries, I am prepared to face such tasks that are set before me. I have little hope on recovering what would be probably inevitably lost to me, lest, in splendid revelation, they wake from their confusion and see through my veil, discerning all that I do. Though, I do not hold this likely.

Whilst people (and one particular) cover over selfish clandestine schemes with the appearance of benign virtue and meek humility, I broadcast my manipulative nature as a wall and as a false warning to mask and to protect my altruism, for fear of being abused. This leaves me feeling, as usual, a little lonely in the path I take for very few good people seem to be able to see past such friendly and polite smiles and guess the happy deeds I weave and commit. My morals do not allow me to claim credit for any such deed, and thus with subtle manipulation do I go about it. And yet, a part of me wishes for someone dear and special to be able to see through me, and appreciate me without thoughts of using me. I have been hurt far too much, and only here, in my relative anonymity, am I able to allow myself to drop my guard and speak with even this much clarity.

Perhaps, God has plans for testing me still, and I shall try to remain patient through such tortures and frustrations. There shall be light yet - on that I will trust God completely.

With a Smile

With nearly whimsical caprice, the turns of fortune dispelled its illusions it has conjured.

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i should've known.

Glorious Satisfaction

I thank God for the moments He gives us. These past few days have been incredible. I really have no words to describe how content I am.

It seems everything is going better in my life, and more over, I feel positive about all the things I do. The manga project, though still bumpy, have not slowed down. I feel like I am always surrounded by supportive friends and a very loving God.

=)

Happiness.

The List

I need...

- a modern drama to watch about wealthy people (hopefully famous, like a tv star) falling in love in a city scape scene.

- a dedicated colorist.

- to sleep more.

- less complications (simplification).

- things to stay simplified.

I want...

- a cintiq.

- more books.

- more time.

- to write more.

God help me...

- put aside myself.

Questions

And there are times when the questions seem rhetorical, like an unsolvable puzzle with its pieces missing and picture worn away.

As I stand upon this precipice, a million questions fill me and drain me. I teeter.

I know Prufrock and his love song. Unwillingly, I follow his footsteps as if dragged.

They say its a two way street, walking one way allows for the other to walk the other. Yet, I've walked this street before, hoping, hoping. And as if by a bell, its promises break. I fall. I shatter.

Yet, here, again, should I walk this road?

Crazy and irrational, says Woody Allan, but we need the eggs.

Maybe, I'll read the road signs carefully this time.

Happiness

Ever do something you know you can do, and then just went out and did it marvelously?

I had an interview today with a company, and I'm pretty comfortable with interviews. I thank God for being with me all the way on this one, because I went in and pretty much nailed it.

=)

The manager hired me on the spot.

Enough Already

Did I miss something? It seems as if Yahoo! News can only headline a nitpicking journalist for the Olympic games. It is starting to disgust me. He writes these articles as if he was trying to find some way to find negative press coverage for the Olympic games. His tone and his style speaks as if to say that China owes him something. I really despise this writer. I wonder if he only writes these incendiary remarks to generate hits for his page?

There have been three articles, in the 3 days of the Olympic games, which feature something about China being fake. I read them all. The writer chooses not to focus on the Olympians who have trained their whole lives for this one moment, but what does he choose to focus on? The fact that the Olympic opening ceremony, a show, is well... a show? Is he going to next point out that Yao Ming just looks huge because of the child he was carrying and that we have, once again, been faked out by clever showmanship?

What's worse are some of the comments made by people who read the articles. Some have whole heartedly bought into what they read. It's disgusting. There was even a comment on there that looked like an off topic essay about communist China and the evils of its communistic ways. Another comment began with "I had never been interested in the olympics but...". I think the writer has tricked people to having negative sentiments about the olympics by concentrating on such petty details. It perhaps is a worse sin than what he accused China of committing.

I used to be a little ashamed at being Asian and Chinese. I will the first to admit that Communist China doesn't do everything right. Yet, now I am more ashamed at being American and proud to be Chinese! Before we start nit picking at the little things that China does to make a show more entertaining, how about we cry out against what our own US government has done to fake us? If I remember correctly, we are still in a war with Iraq because our reason for going there was to find weapons of mass destruction, as reported to us by the CIA and White House? I believe we are being petty.

Let's enjoy the Olypians, the proud athletes of the games. Go Michael Phelps! Go team USA! Go team China! Make us proud!

Let the Games Begin

As the Olympic Games start getting into full swing, I find myself caught up in the wonderful competition. Never has one event symbolized so much. I admire and respect all the atheletes who have trained so hard and worked so hard to perfect the events that they do. When, I see them perform on that world stage, I feel like I am watching the epitome of human spirit. Needless to say, watching them has become an incredibly uplifting experience.

The Olympic Games truly inspire me, despite all the politics surrounding and leading up to it. When, I see the athletes go with all their passion for Olympic Gold, I realize what a sad event it was to have protested and extinguished the Olympic Touch. I am not saying I agree with China's policies, but I also do not agree the actions taken by the protesters.

The Olympics are not about them.

It is about the athletes. We should honor and respect that this is their stage. In their competition, they symbolize the very struggles of nation against nation, of policy against policy. They are the pride of each nation. The Olympics was first created so that nations did not have to go to war, but rather settle their disputes in fierce, but nonviolent competition. We should always remember what the Olympics stand for, before we, the bystander citizens of the nations, start taking it upon ourselves to speak out, or act out. It is not our spotlight to steal. Let the competitors do the talking. The torch must always be lit. For it is that very torch that symbolizes the necessity of the games and the needlessness of warfare.

A Desire for Romance

It has been a long while since I really wanted to date anyone. I sorta had mixed feelings and thought about things a lot. Eventually, I realized perhaps I've just been avoiding the situation altogether, fearing the recurrence of old pains.

In China for boys to act this way is almost shameful. I want my confident me back. It's odd that I can be confident about everything else, yet questions of romance I would rather hide from.

No more.

I want to fall in love again. I want to feel like I'm not quite sure what I'm doing, and just have fun. I want to find a girl who isn't afraid to show that I'm special to her. She can do as she pleases and make tons of guys fall in love with her. Yet, at the end of the day, she won't be afraid to call me hers. That seems right to me.

And of course... I will give her the world.

Writing Genius

I saw episodes of Firefly today. Snap shots of amazing dramas, animes and books came to mind.

Tell me, tell me, someone out there tell me...

How do you write genius?

Possesssed

As if the muses finally took interest in me, the creative energy to write took hold of me last night. Unquestioningly, relentlessly, my keyboard typed out the hours that flew past in rhythmic sounds. When I awoke from being ensorcelled by the flirtatious encounter with these nymphs, the sun had already risen. My clock displayed 8:00 AM.

It's been a while since I was so gleeful.

I thank God for the wonderful experience, and His kindness for giving me such inspiration. Man, I wanna do that again.

Oddly Unfamiliar

I find it odd that I do a lot of visual research (looking at comics, studying details in real life, looking closely at scenes...) when my focus is writing.

In any case, an slow suspicion has built up through these past few days that I hope will disperse soon, but I fear it might not. I do not think I know how to write girls as well as I can write anything else, be it boys or furry kitties. In fact, I find it sometimes I wish I could write girls as furry kitties. It may be easier. Let me explain.

Despite growing up with lady friends most of my life, I find that at times, the descriptions of what I imagine a character to be just do not come naturally. Too often, the girls I write come out as some sort of heroine. Unique in the universe she lives in, she somehow has some transcending characteristic that she becomes a bit unreal. The quality makes it hard for readers to identify with the character. Subsequently, she loses a lovable nature, and instead makes her rather seem like some deity that commands worshipers.

Perhaps I can reconcile this by saying that all the lady friends I've had in my life were probably some heroine. I honestly do not believe it to be too far from the truth.

Whatever the reason, the fact remains that I need some characters to not be so independent, so amazing. I need to find a way to write some shred of weakness, some factor that makes an average guy fall in love with the lady in question, instead of making him into a devout follower of her commands. A lady that's real, tangible, fallible but determined. A lady that a guy may want to hold instead of just be blinded by her radiance?

For now, I'll believe that this may just be a phase. Like the phase I had with swordsmen. They all ended up to be brooding, silent, deadly blades of cold righteousness.
_____

She studied the swordsman before her. His travel robes, loose and graceful, swirled with the wind. He said nothing. Silence filled the air. Unfathomable, his eyes tried to bore into her mind. She smiled at this, amused. He seemed relaxed, though ready. Nothing else in the world mattered for these two.

Even time stood still.

"What's the matter? Haven't you seen a lady before?" She said.

"I have." He responded.

"Then what's the matter? Silence isn't attractive."

"You are in my way."

"And you are in mine, mister. What are you gonna do about it?" She questioned. Her eyes narrowed, but her grin widened.

He started to draw his sword. It inched out, as if giving her time to reconsider. She waited, determined. A cold sad smile appeared on the swordsman's face, a smile that did not touch his eyes. Then, as the sword was drawn halfway, she stopped him.

"Hold it there, mister righteous silence." She said, pulling out a brush.

"I duel poems."

Strange and Random

I must admit that I had never thought that people read this blog. I guess I was wrong. From the depths of my heart, I truly thank the few of you for caring. There really are wonderful people out in the world. You, my friends, are proof.

I suppose it has often been hard for me to drop my defenses - that ever social and not quite serious exterior - when I am not writing, and even, now, I feel somewhat less exposed through the relative anonymity of this page. Often, I have felt the urges to allow people to understand me better, wishing I could drop the habitual, whimsical, social caprice I give off. I just do not know how to do it in person. I do not know if this is a lack of confidence in my being or merely an inhibition. This blog, I suppose, more or less, serves as my medium, and in some ways, my reprieve.

Thank you for hearing me.
_____

Changing topics, I am not a fan of reproductions or adaptations that deviate too much from an original masterpiece story. I dislike additions to such stories, as well. Humbly, I feel like if the masterful writer intended these things, he or she would have already included them. Thus, I was a bit saddened to see a book entitled: "Master: An Erotic Novel of the Count of Monte Cristo" by Colette Gale advertised at Barnes and Noble. I do not know if saddened is the right word. It was more of a mixture of curiosity and disgust.

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas has been a celebrated book to me. I cannot fathom whole new renderings of a story which I have come to love. My dream would be to be able to one day craft a story half as masterful as Monsieur Dumas.

Happiness, though, I have found an online version of the book, by Google Books. Yet another reason why I love Google. They have found an even higher place in my heart.
_____

I found it interesting today, changing topics once again, that I am so used to internet-speak that I give no second thought when reading it, even in stories. I was reading some piece, I forget which now, posted on the net. There was a line that went something like "OMG! We need it now!". Only after did I finish the page did I go, "wait, did the writer really just use 'OMG'? wait wait... did I really not notice until just now?" With a bit of remorse, I find this to be very amusing. I hope, though, that such things will not creep into my own endeavors; though, I am not sure if I care one way or another if I read it in others'.
_____

Finally (I suppose I have lots of thoughts today... insomnia), yes but finally, and certainly not least, I reacquainted myself with God again. It has been a few weeks since I picked up my Bible, for various reasons that I will not delve into here. The experience brought me to tears.

I will always thank God for His infinite mercy.

Moonlit Night

The full moon always has strange effects on me. I suppose that whilst some creatures of the deep night turn into werewolves, I on the other hand become introspective and entertain lonely romantic thoughts.

Though the night started out being rather glum, it ended, at least, on a positive note.

Although, i wonder... i wonder...

Writing

I realized a great lesson today as I started the creative process to write.

The rules of writing rarely exist in absolutes, if they exist at all.

Show not tell? And tell not show? These rules are merely tools, like that of a master smith, that a writer will utilize to craft his or her masterpiece.

The writer must learn each tool, its uses, and wield them well.

Good writing is harder to master than martial arts, and a great deal more complex than any science.

With the sciences, the mysteries of the universe may be unlocked, but with writing we can transcend to other universes and unlock the power of the human soul.

And I will try my best to become a writing master.

Things We Have to Bear

I recently had to learn how to say "no" all over again, and had to relearn how hard it may be to do so. I have often been labeled a push-over because of my desires to please the people around me. I do not mind this label, because for me, the smiles of the people around me greatly outweigh any trifling annoyance such a name may cause.

Yet, in some matters, it does no good to give in to every wish and want that your friend requests of you.

I did not ever remember it feeling this bad. I suppose, these are just one of those things that we have to bear.

Those that You Hold Dear

The summer warmth has finally arrived, piercing the gray clouds and driving them away. The weather that was promised for mid-July came early. It was a beautiful day to be in, and a wonderful surprise .

I heard a couple of songs as I went from task to task during the day. Embers and Envelopes by Mae, and Sorry, Blame it on Me by Akon. I do not usually listen to these types of songs, but they caught me particularly today. Besides the catchy tunes, their lyrics stayed with me through the day.

The lyrics, and the ending of a good story that a friend showed me, gave me a chance to think about some things that I haven't thought about in a while. It allowed me to think beyond myself, and just about life in general. The lazy, bright summer day eased all of my stresses and worries away. The thoughts about life made my troubles feel minuscule and silly.

And I thought, life really is meant to be celebrated.

It usually takes a trial, some hardship, something incredible to show the true strength of the bonds you make with the others around you. Friends become stronger. Though, these words sound epic in scope, they really just mean that friendship can stand testing and made better. And I suppose that all I really am trying to say is: I really wish to cherish all those that I hold dear.

They are my lifelines. They are my happiness. They are my strength. And I wish to make each and everyone of them smile and shine.

Yes truly, as I listen to the bright relaxed music of an orchestra describing perfectly what summer should be, I think of all those I hold dear.

I love them all.

How good is their vision?

20/20?

An epiphany came to me today, as I struggled to bridge the gap of two pairs of people - both content to shrink into their own personal worlds. I dislike being the leader of a group. It's a lonely position, and the one that requires most sacrifice. Rather than joining one couple over another, and having fun cuddling with the people I enjoy most, I had to share my time, lest the other group becomes jealous or alienated. In the subsequent back and forth walk, my ankle gave out. I found it funny and amusing, though sad. Tearing groups, however, seem like the least of these thoughts.

I suppose, I had felt more like a fifth wheel than anything. The two pairs of people, though all friends in name of relationship, hardly acted like so. Though I can understand it, I cannot help but feel alienated myself. I probably should have removed myself earlier in the evening. The energy to remain happy and positive, and to entertain others, simply was hard to come by. Oh well, I do not think anyone saw this struggle of mine. It seemed like everyone had a good time.

I just have a hope that one day, someone considers my happiness. I hope that one day, someone can see the little things I do and appreciates me for such things. Though, at the moment, I do not believe such people exist. At least not of the female gender. Ah well, one can still hope.

Speaking of courtship, I had found that I actually have pretty high standards for those I wish to consider for a relationship. They'd have to like me for the right reasons for one. For the others, well... I suppose it is improper for me to say it on a site such as this.

At the moment, I find myself wondering a few things, and doubting alot of my previous judgements. I hope I am proven wrong, though that is unlikely.

Which brings me back to the question: How good is their vision to see all that I see, and all that I hide?

Reach me

Morning dawns, cold and gray. The shafts of light barely penetrate the clouds, and hardly the slits in the windows, and certainly, not my heart. The world does not feel like summer, nor do I.

Another sleepless night.

I wonder what God has in store for me to day...

My daily bible verse from facebook says:

June 10, 2008

Where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

James 3:16

I suppose I have done much of that as of late. I know that envy is certainly not a good quality. I wish the Bible would teach me how to get rid of it. Perhaps, I just haven't read the chapter on that yet.

To be sure, I am happy for the good fortune of others. I merely despise myself for the lack of fortitude to able to share in their good fortune without loathing my own ill fortune. Had things gone differently... ah well. Such sighs and idle thoughts are hardly worth the time to entertain them. I must face the realities of everyday life without fear, and if I can help it, without any negative feelings. It would help probably if everything didn't come and hit me at once, but that is uncontrollable.

Though everything is hard right now, I will grin and bear it. There is nothing more I can do, though plenty more i wish to do...

Though loneliness is my ever present companion, and envy my constant enemy, somehow I'll make it through. After all... I've done it thus far. There are still those who depend on me, and I cannot allow myself to falter and make a poor example for them.

My Lord is with me. And hey, who knows, perhaps He will teach me to love unconditionally constantly.

That is my hope, and prayer.

Blank Pages

I have often wondered what I'm doing with my life. What is it that I'm reaching for? What is it that I'm searching for? If my life were to be taken tomorrow, should I look back with a sigh? Say that, perhaps, maybe... all this is not worth it.

I've done so much school. I'm fighting to get back into an institution that only adds status by weight of ink and paper to me in society.

There has to be MORE!

There is more that I want to do. More that I want to experience. More that I want to create. More that I want to learn. Much much more than this institution called school. My life is like the blank page that I see before me. There is so much to write.

Yet, here in this room, I gaze into the future beyond, and all i see are doubts and fears. Doubts that I cannot let go, fears that I cannot face. I feel weak in this struggle, angry that I have not the strength to conquer them. I feel trapped. Trapped between all the thoughts of what I should be thinking and feeling and doing, and the feelings that I am experiencing.

In the dim fading light, I wonder where I can find the strength and courage to traverse the path that I see. The gloominess becomes me, depression will set in soon. I know the signs. Three hundred sixty five and a quarter days in the year, and three hundred sixty five and a quarter days battling with myself and the easy temptations around me. Three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of doubts, and three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of steel resolution to squash those doubts. Three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of trying to conquer the darkness within me, three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of trying to remain positive.

And one slip, and the battle will be lost.

I fear these dark depths. I remember vividly the scenes from those dark moments. They are a constant unwelcome companion. I see myself at the edge of that balcony, looking down, once more. I think very carefully about how much I'm actually worth: 43 kg of oxygen, 16 kg of carbon, 140 g of potassium, 100 g of sodium, 4.2 g of iron... four digit number in the bank, seven digit number to society...

And there, the sudden realization that I need to stop thinking this way. I have to stop these thoughts. I need to remain positive.

There is so much more to life than to spend the moments in gloomy contemplation. There is so much more than struggle against self damnation and pity. There has to be more.

So what if people in the same situation, in the same vantage point, had gone off free without harm or scratch. So what if fortune had not favored me thusly. Screw my sinking depression. It's a mere handicap to make some game fair. I can still create. I can still bear. I can still fight.

I can still win.

So what if the rewards that I have reaped for giving as much as I had were bleeding wounds that heal so slowly, and scars that do not fade? Shall I look around and curse them for their fortune, and curse mine? Shall I change my ways and betray the only good that's in me? Shall I join the selfish schemes of the rest of them, leeching off of the pure hearts that they see? I shall not. And will not.

I can still win. Damn it, I can still win. With or without the help of fortune, with or without the help of a faithful friend pointing the way...

I can still win.

That is it, and that is all there is to it. I will battle. To hell with all these doubts, and gazing into this abyss. One way or another I have to walk this path anyway right? There are no other roads. So that's it then. I've stood too still for too long, gazing and fearing. I just need to walk.

Should they reject my petition, I will just have to fight on. Should they refute me a hundred times, I'll just have to try a hundred and one.

Damn it, i'll do it. The critical days and hours are drawing near. I have faced this before. I have carried these burdens this far. I have battled this long. I have wrote and rewritten, I have spoke and respoken, I have challenged and rechalleged. This is nothing new. This picture is nothing.

Though I falter and stumble, and at times even doubt the God above me, I know that He is still with me, and I shall break through. After all, I only battle with myself, and struggle with myself.

I can still win.

Horizon

Piano music drifted gently through my open window as I watched the world turn from day to night. I could not actually see the sunset, but I could see the colors splayed across the horizon. The music was soft, barely audible. It was as if I was overhearing a distant soliloquy of the artist's heart. It was fragile - transient. The noise of the streets, the talk of people often covered it. And yet, it was resilient. It played on through the noise, giving me respite at such intervals.

It spoke to me.

I can imagine some student sitting at that piano practicing, believing no one could hear, playing a song not meant for any one else's ears. The rare purity inspired me. It drew me to other thoughts.

The situation seemed metaphorical to me. It paralleled the lives of the people around me. I wonder if we all play such music. I wonder how many people truly hear it. I wonder how many people quietly listen in.

I want to hear the songs that everyone plays.

Yet, at the same time, I see the horizon, always changing, always bringing the unexpected. And I wonder, how much time do I really have to hear all the music around me? And I wonder, is there really a right time to create music of my own?

I wish the horizon, would not look so ominous day to day.

Where?

I suppose I only come to this blog when I have thoughts that I cannot openly talk to other people about.

Originally I had told at least two people about this blog. Yet, I suppose it fell into such disarray that no one ever checks here anymore. Thus, with the illusion of being a public blog, I speak as if there are people listening, but I reveal much more of my weaknesses here. The paradox here allows probably the only entry into my world. This weakness in my defenses I gladly put out, in hope of some unselfish person to walk along. Yet, in my mind, there are very few people like that in the world.

I know that even the nice people in the world have their own agendas. They all want something from you. At least, that is the way I feel. Though, I never wish to proclaim that I am the best there is out there. I truly do want to see my actions and thoughts reciprocated. There should be, somewhere out there, someone like me. Someone who constantly thinks for the well being of those around him/her and knows how to adapt or stress the situation to bend it towards a favorable scenario for those said people.

Yet, perhaps some people are right. I should let go. Perhaps I do too much. I just want to be a good person.

However, I always feel so alone.

There are only a few people in this world who does not take my presence for granted. If only they can remain at my side.

I'm tired of thinking for people. I wonder if someone will think for me on just even a little thing. Even if someone wanted to know how my day went, just in hopes to see if they can smooth out any wrinkle that my day may have had.

Where would a person like this exist?

Quietly

I wonder out there if there really is anyone that truly knows my heart?

Since when have I started writing for an audience that isn't there?

I cannot shake this feeling of loneliness. I can battle with it, but in the end, I am still battling alone. Though, this mentality seems wrong, when I think that God is always with me, and watching over me. I suppose I have a hard time always thinking that way.

Sometimes, when I feel this way, I wish to post it on my facebook status. Yet, I know the responses I will get will not be the heart to heart conversation I crave. They will be full of initial sympathy, perhaps even pity. I doubt that anyone will answer the call from my heart: "I want you to know me. I want to know you."

So, quietly, I post my thoughts here, wishing, hoping, for someone who cares to read it. Just that thought alone, that one tiny moment where they bother to think of me - my heart - will be enough for me.

And it'll save me from this abyss.

Opportunity Costs

Today, I finally downloaded and installed Python, a programming language. I had been meaning to do it for awhile now, but I never got around to it. Once again, I feel the rush of learning and creating something new and exciting. Though, as of now, I have no idea where I would even begin to use such a tool. Yet, it matters not to me.

I have made a stunning realization, one that may not be very stunning to anyone else besides me. I have realized that I really do not care for what people call "efficient learning" any more. People have always recommended to me what subjects to learn without regard of whether or not I really would like to learn them or not. Many have scoffed at my idea to learn Latin because they considered it a pragmatically unsound language to learn. After all, Latin is a "dead" language, and could not be used for any easy money generating purpose. Well, to hell with those people.

There will always be pragmatically unsound choices in the world. However, like in debate, I realized it isn't the arguments itself that makes them a priority, but what you use to measure them by. For the longest time, I was confused about what guiding principle I should use to measure these choices, but now, I understand much better. Before, when I listened to all of those people telling me what I should do with my life, I used my eventual income and place in society as a measuring device. Now, I shall use my eventual happiness, and happiness it brings me now. An enriched life, full of unquantifiable and priceless experiences, is what I shall shoot for.

Maybe I will learn Latin and study Communications, thank you very much. I do not know others, but to me, the opportunity cost of happiness seems immeasurable.

I shall choose, out of this world of infinite possibilities, a path that shall make me happy and successful. It may be full of risks. Yet, I have a God who is always watching. Who better to trust my life with?

Perhaps...

Perhaps, I only wish to be heard from someone who knows my heart. Perhaps, all I want is someone to do some wonderfully amazing thing only for me, to make me feel special for once. To single me out. To be completely altruistic to me, as I am with her.

I would fall in love with such a person forever.

Can that ever really happen on Earth? For as it stands now, I hardly feel special at all.

My Sonata

Quiet, I gaze through the night from my balcony. The world is calm. The twinkling of the city's lights smiles to me in silence. The silence resonates from every object. They make a music that only I can hear. The whirr from a nearby car disturbs the silent orchestra. Out of place, the engine sounds out of tune.

It passes.

Relaxed peace returns.

Far away, I can see the night-shift cars and buses pass on the highway bridge. Far too far, they travel without a sound, not knowing my existence. If I shift my gaze, I can peer into the lake. Its soft waves reflect the city's lights, making the surface a happy mask. The city stands behind the lake in compliment. They make a graceful pair. The lake's soft waters holds no light of its own, and so, the vivid city lights dazzles in the lake's place.

And all the while the silent orchestra plays.

I contribute. the far away cars, the last gentle autumn wind, the twinkling city lights, the swaying lake, the nostalgic moon, though none of us know of each other's existence, we all share a common melody. We play a piece of loneliness, and I, alone, can hear this song.

Yes, we play this song of loneliness but I am sure we do not play it alone.
__________

I wrote this fall of last year, yet tonight, for some reason, the feeling awakened in me once again. I do not know how to describe or even justify it. Though my days are constant with companions, I almost feel like something is lacking.

I search for something more.

The tasks I have set before me are daunting, and they require all of my ever inconsistent strength. They offer me the diversion I seek from this feeling I want, but they never fulfill it.

Perhaps, I shall pray to God, for His grace is enough for me, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I always wonder...

Fly

Before me stands the desire to promote this blog, if only so that it may keep me on a constant regimen of writing and production. I suppose this feeling only stems from the want to entertain people with my creations as I did before. For the moment, seeing how sparsely this blog has been updated, I am relieved that I did not go out of my way to do such.

Today dawns seemingly like any other. Yet, today, I cannot shake an overall excited feeling. I feel alive. It seems as if I'm ready to fly. I hope that that is what God is telling me today. Like I said, I have this overwhelming urge to entertain, and to create. They are my two happiest enjoyments.

My mind is too tired for not to grasp words of coherent understanding, and thus I shall need to stop here.

Hopefully, if I remember, I will return to complete this thought in my mind. =)