Love in Laughter

Surprise, surprise. According to more and more articles, the secret in long lasting love is humor. Apparently, happiness comes with laughing. Shocking right?

All sarcasm aside, I do find it interesting that people need to be told that humor makes for long lasting romances and even good sex. I had always known it, but I never felt quite justified in my observations. In every good relationship that I had observed, be they young or old, I saw that humor created the most basic and fundamental connection for a relationship to be built on. Yet, with my own adventures with ladies, I find that most girls love having a strong, trusting connection with me, built on the hours we spent laughing and entertaining each other, as a safety line or, in their terms, as a "best friend". They hold strongly to our relationship, while searching for a male specimen that they feel would be a potential mate. Most of these relationships with these strapping young males often have little depth, little insight, and far too little solid foundations.

This, of couse, is not a new observation from me. I had always complained about it before, being slightly bitter. Yet, currently, I feel oddly happy. I never thought that I looked like a paragon of manhood, nor did I feel like I possessed many of the flourishes that seems to attract the typical female heart - bravado, power, wealth and an untamed spirit. I wouldn't say I do not have any of those things. I just do not have much of it. What I do have is simply charisma, a nature that makes the people around me happy, laughing, and content. Which, according the many books and articles being published now, means that I hold the single most important key to a successful, long lasting, slow burning, romance.

While my self esteem does not rely completely on the findings of social scientists, I do find it strangely vindicating that other people, of high repute, agrees with my views.

Yet, enough about my feelings and history for now. I wish to explore the topic of humor further. I do not believe that humor alone is the key for a successful relationship. I believe it's something far deeper.

It's honesty.

We often grow up believing and dreaming of romantic hollywood relationships, so much so that we lose sight of reality. For those of us who watch anime, no girl or guy we meet would ever be so perfect, or suffer merely one personality flaw. Or, for those of us who watch dramas (wow, am I really guilty of both?) no guy or girl can be symplified into those archetypes that they explore: dying sick girl filled with love, gloomy strong guy in search of redemption, stubborn idiot jerk turned gentle by affection... etc. No.

Rather, everyone of us are filled with many, many imperfections without a glorfying story for each one. I may smile far too much for my own good. I'm lazy. And lets face it, when it comes to romance, I am by far not the smoothest rock on the beach. These among many others are my flaws. Yet, if we allow ourselves to see these things in ourselves and especially in others, and embrace them with an easy air of honesty - meaning, embrace their flaws with the idea that every one of them ultimately creates and contributes to the person that we cherish - then we allow for fun, passion and love to grow. After all, when it comes to this we can either laugh about it, or cry about it. And who wants to cry?

Like I have always said about music and art: I have never enjoyed hearing the final performance piece more than hearing all the practices with all the mistakes and revisions. It's just simply more honest. I do not tolerate people hiding behind fake masks in friendship. Why should I allow it in romance?

Dates will not always go perfectly. Violins do not play when we stare into our significant other's eyes. Passionate acts are more fumbling around and messy than euphoric and transcending. And I laugh and enjoy every part of everything. They make for hilarious stories, and, hopefully my future girlfriend would enjoy talking about all the craziness of everything as much as I do. In short, I hope my future girlfriend would be much more real.

So, as for my luck with ladies thus far, I will not say I did not make my share of mistakes. Yet, perhaps it is the demographic of girls I happen to talk to, asian girls mostly. (Like do asian families even teach laughter? or reality? in their controlling idealistic minds?) Or perhaps it is merely the level of maturity in all of us. In any case, I shall strive to find and connect with a person who both enjoys my humor and has courage enough to build on it.

I shall keep my heart open and hopeful. Love is an adventure that makes life worth living. It's only fair to have fun and laugh a bit on the way. And while I'm at it, perhaps I'll learn and grow so that my flaws will deminish.

Who knows? Maybe I'll meet someone that thinks that too.

(Man have I had some embarassing encounters. Lol)

Memories and Goals

For me, sometimes I am ever looking into the past, analyzing every detail, processing it, and turning it into an action that propels me forward. At the same time, I am always looking into the future, anticipating all the pit falls, planning my moves, and driving toward a goal that I have deemed as "success".

Sometimes, many times, I just miss the here and now.

Yet, what can someone do? In high school, I have always been known to live for the now, and live to no regrets. In college, I looked into the future, I stumbled, and now I study the past. I do not understand all the choices that I want to make. I do not even have the time to process all the information at this second before another second sneaks up on me and I have be clairvoyant enough to decide instinctively.

There is a part of me which wants to move forward. I wish desperately to reach the goals that I had always envisioned. Yet, I at the same time, I feel as I reach and grasp for the future, I am trading away my here and now. My friend groups have become smaller. My intimacy with people have fallen to the wayside. My memories that I make with the experiences I have now have started to blur together into just long moments of study, analysis, planning and doing. A part of me feels like I am growing up and reaching for something higher, and a part of me feels like I am losing myself and dying.

I do not know what I wish to save. I do not know what I wish to relinquish. Time feels so short. I feel it pressing upon me. Some of my friends have managed so well. I do not understand it. They have boyfriends, supportive friends, and a safe path to walk. One of my friends have already managed to secure the next four years of her future; another two chases vigilantly the fleeting dream of being published.

What have I done?

The friends I feel that I can count on have diminished from their vast number to only a handful. And even then, it feels like I have to try with all my might to hold on to them. I am too rooted in fear to feel like I can push for publishing, and out of that very same fear says the words "and even if I do, even if I do... can I sustain my future with mere words and dreams? Will I be able to eat my fantasies and philosophies?" I do not know. I do not know.

Perhaps, for this reason, I have turned to religeon to keep me afloat. Perhaps, the vision of a benign God watching with all His mercy and benevolence, His infallible love and patience wrapping around me and guiding me. Depending on him does not require work, but mere belief. He is someone I can always trust. He would not hurt me, play mind mind games, and I do not have to invest anything but my soul and my faith.

Yet, on a much more human note, what have I done? Really, what have I actually ever accomplished? My only steadfast goal that I had ever held on to - to be ever loving and supportive to my friends, for if I can make at least one persons life better, I have redeemed myself a little - seem so dull, irrelevant. When all have been said and done, there will be no rewards for me. I will not get a better job. I will not be recognized.

I have to try hard on every aspect of my life. On friendships, on relationships, in work, at school, in play and everything. I have been stressed and pulled. I have been crushed and pieced back together. I have given past the limit of what I can give. And, in the end, I am tired.

I stare at the roads constantly before me. No road signs point the way. No leader to tell me my options. Not even a voice to tell me they're right there with me. It annoys me. My old friends have zoomed ahead, almost out of sight. And whilst I have new friends and new ideas, I cannot help but compare what I had with what I have now.

They say the value of a person is measured by the company he keeps. On most days, in most times, my shadow and the waining phases of the moon are my company. I have friends who know how to study, but are not mindful of the ever shifting tides of their surroundings. I have friends who know how to love, but do not understand the giving or the taking. I have friends who know how to entertain, but cannot face the seriousness of reality. In many respects they cannot compare with the groups of people I had held company with. And yet, I love everyone of these people. I will defend each and every one of them to the end. I will forever protect them with what I have, and never regret it. What does this mean?

I do not understand my motivations. I have been called foolish, romantic, idealistic and at worst, failure, by those old friends who have zoomed ahead and not given a second thought of looking back. I do not understand. Friendship is so mercurial, and despite all that I have done to solidify its definition to me, I find myself being torn apart.

Only a few things remain constant to me. I will love my friends. I will love my God.

Somehow, with these principles, somehow with all the contradictions, somehow with a road riddled with sacrifices and compromise, I will find a road that lets me be successful in the future and retain memories, friendships, principles and individuality that I have now.

This is the only way of living I know; this is the only path I can follow. This is my way.

Breathe Easy in Face of Finals

Or any other type of stressful activity for that matter.

People over the years have tried a couple of ways to manage stress such as meditation, yoga, exercise and even sound therapy. Doctors recognize that doing one or any of the above activities releases endoriphins, a chemical that makes us feel good. The "natural high" if you will.

Yet, I come from another school of thought. While I believe that meditation, yoga, and excercise all will increase a person's overall health over time, I feel it masks the stress and exhibits an overall far too scientific approach. Everytime I think about doing one of the above, I imagine a doctor in a white coat standing next to me saying in a cool proffesional voice "Good, now breathe in, one, two, three, four, five, and out..." This hardly appeals to me.

No, I come from another school of thought. I like hearing encouragement, and I thought I'd pass that along.

Times could definitely be tough. I will not lie. From the economy to next week's finals to strained relationships to menegitis that you caught because of the freezing temperatures outside to the unrelenting, neverending piles of homework and things on your ToDo lists, there will always be something or somethings that strive to hold us to a place of pressure, anxiety and fear.

Yet, take heart, I believe that you can conquer it all. Not just simply get through it in some form of "alive". No, no. You will triumph. How do I know? Because I do not get very many readers on this site. I know those of you who visit it. I can attest personally to your mental strength, tenacity, and will.

The obstacles that you see before you are merely your stepping stones to overall accomplishment. You merely have to take all that comes at you a single step at a time. Eventually, you will be standing on top of the mountain you once thought insurrmountable. Trust me. I am one to analyze and evaluate. My information can be counted upon. You will succeed.

Everyone, young and old, strong and weak, will all cower in face of obstacles they feel they cannot handle. Yet, with great tenacity, they shove forward and in the end of it, they marvel how they ever managed to accomplish the impossible. Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb after trying 1000 some times. It would be absurd to think that he did not become discouraged along the way. You would think that after the first hundred or so, he would say something like "Wow ok, this really isn't working very well". Yet, he pushed forward.

You can too. You needn't invent the light bulb, or try something a thousand times. You merely need to believe, in simple faith, that you can achieve extraordinary things. I believe it. There will be times when we grow tired, our shoulders slump, and our feet drag. Where our will to battle all the things laid before us deminishes and our spirits grow weak.

Yet, know that there is a great power within you. Dig deep. You can find it. I can see it. Take a deep breath. Reset. Focus only on the goal and not on the time it takes or any other thing. The goal lies before you, and you can definitely reach it.

After all, I am reaching towards those very same goals under similar circumstances. We'll do this together. You and I. It'll be easier. Whatever you're studying for, whatever you're dealing with, whatever you're striving for, I will lend you my support. Yes you. Do not be thinking that I am talking of anyone else except you. You, my reader.

I do not make bets that I cannot win. I know that you can conquer all that is infront of you. You have the spirit, the strength and the will of a champion.

Comfort

“[The God of All Comfort] Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Some people close to my heart have commented once in awhile that they admire how "strong" I can be or how "giving" I am even when faced with great difficulty, pain, or suffering. These casual praises have always made me a little embarrassed and, truthfully, a little proud. Yet, I must now lay down myself and confess that if I, alone, tried to tank the blows that life hits me with and still remain gentle, giving and compassionate, I would probably have gone insane at the first struggle.

No. Human nature, by definition, does not allow me to be selfless. I often struggle with the ideas of "what I want" and "what I should do because it is right". Often times, the struggle becomes very intense, especially when I feel justified in what I want. Let me explain a very easy example:
If a person came up to me and kicked me in my business zone, my natural reaction would be to retaliate, after I stopped rolling on the ground of course. I would want to hurt them as much as they have hurt me. Or, at the very least, I would wish to avoid this person at all costs for as long as the memory of it sticks in my mind.

Yet, somewhere in my mind, I know that inflicting pain only makes things worse. A voice calls out to me, and morally, I feel compelled to kneel and pray for this person. Perhaps try and speak to them, perhaps even appologize. To many, this may seem like an overly pious thing to accomplish. They stand correct. If the above scenario truly did occur, I know for sure my selfish side would occur first 9 times out of 10. Yet, I am happy and glad that I can at least do the other 10%.

The example stands as an extreme example. Sometimes, the action is not a kick, but rather could be simply a friend or coworker taking advantage of my personality again and again, until its started to wear me down. This makes giving and loving a sacrifice of my dignity and sometimes, it really strikes me, as if I had been kicked.

Yet, I thank God, for like the quote said earlier, I do not have to rely on my own strength for this! I realize now that I am, actually, quite weak. Had not God renewed me every time, I would not have the energy or strength to be able to do the things that the Bible commands me (to Love everyone). I imagine that I am like a tank of sorts, like the ones in RPG games. I, myself, could maybe take some hits, yet if I am continuously pummeled I would die very fast and easily. Yet, God is my Healer (who, evidently, never runs out of mana). Thus, I can be strong.

I find God to be more and more marvelous every day. I thank God for lending me His strength, for I am weak, but He is strong. I thank God for giving me my wonderful friends, for showing me all sides of the people I know, and for still allowing me to love everyone of them more and more. I thank God for forgiving me of my sins, for allowing me to be free of negativity towards others, for letting me shielded in Him.

Marvelous.

Boys Don't Cry

They take walks instead.

There are definitely times when I feel like I am in constant battle. I wage war with my feelings, the negative ones that try to swarm me, and with the temptations that surround me. At times, I can imagine myself to be a lone hero doing battle with these things. They appear as shadowy forms with fangs and glowing pure red or black eyes. They laugh and snicker, dance about me, and glide phasing in and out of sight, leaving only their eyes in sight as they do. Their dark translucent bodies block out the light, a light that only seems to emanate from my heart. Hideous. Truly hideous.

I feel that that this metaphor describes very aptly the things I feel. I suppose, in a way, this post is a deep study of metaphor. As I walk through the night, well, even through the day, I see pairs of people walking from place to place. I even saw a pair of people tonight on my walk, praying together. As I gaze at them, I know that they do not battle alone, and perhaps the light shines brighter in their lives.

When, I pray, I feel that I, too, do not battle alone. Someone else walks beside me with a searing blinding light. The shadows vanish, and I can see that I am at a field with blooming flowers, green rolling hills, and sparkling bubbling brooks. Love.

Yet, it is not always easy being able to be in such a place. I suppose maybe I am just emotionally weak. It's the breach that allows in all these shades that haunt the night. My only defenses come from my faith which is my armor and the Bible my sword. Yet, because of how unstudied I am, cracks fill my armor, and rust dulls my sword. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed in this battle, sometimes I feel I can carry on.

Mostly, I hope that through the coming days I can gain more and more strength to win these battles. So that I can focus not on myself, but on others. So that I can not feel down about walking alone, but aid others in their own struggles. So that I can stop asking for someone to reach me in my loneliness, but to reach and lift up the people I care about. Everyone walks wanting people to think about them, and everyone wishes for others to take an initiative in their lives. I had never strove to be ordinary and I shall not do so now. I pray that I will stand against these weaknesses and vices of mine, and over come them with a spirit of giving and flowing love.

It is no excuse to be selfish and lazy when my mood strikes me down. With God's help, I shall overcome and reach ever closer towards true unrelenting, selfless love.

I feel His flowing through me already.

Yearning for a Spiritual Connection

I suppose in recent days, I have had this craving and wish for a spiritual connection with my Christian friends. I keep seeing this image of us able to talk together and come together in prayer and love. The image tantalizes me, and becomes more vivid the more I think about it. I have my friends with me and as one, we kneel and bow our heads in prayer. A feeling of need and want fills me every time I think on it.

I guess it is because I had such a tight knit group like that back in high school. I keep thinking back to my old church back then. I had left it for obvious reasons. Yet, in the course of time, these reasons have become more minute, and inversely, the reasons why I loved it in the first place has become amplified. I loved my circle of brothers and sisters. Though the adults with their Asian politics and what not made it a hard environment to spiritually grow, our close circle seemed to prosper. At church and getting together for whatever reason, the Spirit that bound us always, intangibly, made us closer than all our other best friends. We leaned on each other and could openly confess God to each other. I really do miss them.

Yet, I can also say that God willed me to separate from them, for I felt like I grew more and found God truly to be my personal Savior and Guide after leaving them. After the parting, and especially after not seeing them for awhile, I have found myself more Spiritually mature (though I don't know exactly how mature I am, given that I always feel weak) because I had not been distracted by all the faults and "humanness" I found myself always eying and judging. I now know that no one on Earth is without fault, and church does not escape that law for humans make up this body. Thus, I find all my previous anger and frustration melted away, and my desire to return to such a close circle grow.

However, I also feel within me that God has another purpose for me, and I must content myself for just praying about them and watching them grow in God. My place and my role have changed regarding them, and now I must support them from afar, ever knowing that they will forever remain my close brothers and sisters.

Of course, a new feeling now emerges from me due to this, a feeling of longing for that type of connection again. I have this prayer that God will lead my Christian friends closer and closer to me and each other, so that once again the Spirit may walk before us in any event, secular or religious. This way, though we cannot always consciously feel it, somewhere in the depths of our hearts, we will know (ginosko) that the Spirit of Christ links us and binds us. This is a special bond, far greater than any earthly bridges we could build.

Oh, how I crave it.

On the same note, with a slightly different tone, I have also become increasingly intoxicated by the thought of celebrating God with some special someone. To be honest, I have never had a romantic relationship that allowed be to experience this, and my heart yearns for this as well for my mind and body now acknowledges that a connection built upon the Spirit far surpasses those built on the soul or body. Yet, this yearning I will not emphasize here. My heart tells me God will lead me on this and the time has not yet come.

Truly, though, imagine with me a tight circle of friends to hang out with and do things with, under the banner of God with the same Spirit following the same Teacher. I pray that one day I will find this solace once more, rooted and strong. For as I gaze into the foreseeable future, I see graduation looming ahead and so many vagueness and doubts. I know that I do not adjust to change very well, and for this reason, I have been more protective of myself in recent years. Fearing to make a strong connection, lest the pain of losing it will destroy me, I am reluctant to open myself up to people. Yet, in my heart, for some reason, I feel like if God leads us, I will be alright, come what may.

Dear Jesus, let me build strong friendships upon the rock of Your love and guidance. Bring us together, root us to You, and let nothing break us.

Amen.