The Past, the Present, and the Now

Time flows by in the blink of an eye. I heard this line often from my parents growing up. Yet, never before had I felt its commanding truth this strongly until now. It has been nearly four months since I wrote anything substantial for myself. Time passed like a dream. Somewhere between four months ago and now, I found myself in love and swamped with school work. And while my circumstances have not changed, at the very least, I wish to take a little time to write and digest the events of my life. I feel rather lost without it.

The course of my life seemed to have taken an abrupt turn when I rededicated myself to school work. I wanted to care about it, because everyone else cared about it. And to be honest, I really did care about it. In the face of many of my friends talking about marriage, or actually getting married, I found (and still find) myself wondering about my future. Particularly, I tried to imagine myself as a husband and a father.

Upon doing so, I discovered that the lifestyle I lived in the world my imagination conjured differed greatly with the lifestyle I lived then. In my imaginary future, I was a responsible husband who had a good income and could provide for the whims of my family, while I still retained some of my positive nature. However, four months ago, I was rather irresponsible and I lived mostly for myself. Writing was my hobby, as well as my life goal.

When confronted with this discrepancy, I decided that I needed to refocus on school. I wanted to be able to provide for a family, and doing so by writing felt like a risky venture. I neither believed in my writing abilities nor had courage enough to pursue such a course. Thus, throwing myself into school, I became so very busy. Falling in love further reinforced my thoughts on this matter. Feeling the full effects of being in love, I understood that in the future, when I had a family, I could not gamble with their happiness. In short, I needed a good job to provide the people I loved with the freedom to be happy.

Yet now, while I'm still fully smitten with love, I find my previous thoughts to be rather arrogant and disdainful. My thoughts implied that, in the future, I was solely responsible for the happiness of my family. In particular, my income determined the happiness of my family.

What happened to love?

I had become trapped to thinking like the rest of the world. Particularly, I had become trapped to thinking like my parents. Money equaled happiness to them, and school equaled money. Although I cannot disagree with the idea that school allowed me to have a better income, I really need to get away from thinking that money will equal happiness.

For me, love equals happiness. When I love, I give. When I love, I live. God is my love. Life is my love. Family is my love. Friends are my love. Shirley is my love. And writing is my love.

I had plunged myself so far into school work that I had started to lose sight of all of this. It felt odd because I was becoming restless and discontent even while I was in love. I didn't know why. Until I slowly realized that I had stopped writing. Somewhere in my brain, I had set aside writing as purely a past time, unimportant and useless.

No, fortunately I realized that writing is far more important to me than most things that I do in daily life. It gives me an exuberance that I cannot describe. And while the words and the creative flow comes less smooth than it used to be, I cannot help but still relish in the rush. I need to keep on writing.

I like where I stand now because I realize the importance of school, but I am not overly zealous for it. At the same time, I can also see the importance of my hobbies. I need to find a good balance between them, so I may live my life to the fullest.

I am an idealist at heart, and any straying from that discontents me and depresses me. If I start buying into a "realistic" view on life, and working like everyone else and thinking like everyone else, I am afraid that I will become very much like everyone else. Lifeless and unhappy. If I keep plunging myself into work, I may end up very miserable in the end. Life happens in the now and I must take advantage of it. I shall write and study and love.

And who knows what the future will bring?

Perhaps, I can write my way into a comfortable life.