Reach me

Morning dawns, cold and gray. The shafts of light barely penetrate the clouds, and hardly the slits in the windows, and certainly, not my heart. The world does not feel like summer, nor do I.

Another sleepless night.

I wonder what God has in store for me to day...

My daily bible verse from facebook says:

June 10, 2008

Where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

James 3:16

I suppose I have done much of that as of late. I know that envy is certainly not a good quality. I wish the Bible would teach me how to get rid of it. Perhaps, I just haven't read the chapter on that yet.

To be sure, I am happy for the good fortune of others. I merely despise myself for the lack of fortitude to able to share in their good fortune without loathing my own ill fortune. Had things gone differently... ah well. Such sighs and idle thoughts are hardly worth the time to entertain them. I must face the realities of everyday life without fear, and if I can help it, without any negative feelings. It would help probably if everything didn't come and hit me at once, but that is uncontrollable.

Though everything is hard right now, I will grin and bear it. There is nothing more I can do, though plenty more i wish to do...

Though loneliness is my ever present companion, and envy my constant enemy, somehow I'll make it through. After all... I've done it thus far. There are still those who depend on me, and I cannot allow myself to falter and make a poor example for them.

My Lord is with me. And hey, who knows, perhaps He will teach me to love unconditionally constantly.

That is my hope, and prayer.