The summer warmth has finally arrived, piercing the gray clouds and driving them away. The weather that was promised for mid-July came early. It was a beautiful day to be in, and a wonderful surprise .
I heard a couple of songs as I went from task to task during the day. Embers and Envelopes by Mae, and Sorry, Blame it on Me by Akon. I do not usually listen to these types of songs, but they caught me particularly today. Besides the catchy tunes, their lyrics stayed with me through the day.
The lyrics, and the ending of a good story that a friend showed me, gave me a chance to think about some things that I haven't thought about in a while. It allowed me to think beyond myself, and just about life in general. The lazy, bright summer day eased all of my stresses and worries away. The thoughts about life made my troubles feel minuscule and silly.
And I thought, life really is meant to be celebrated.
It usually takes a trial, some hardship, something incredible to show the true strength of the bonds you make with the others around you. Friends become stronger. Though, these words sound epic in scope, they really just mean that friendship can stand testing and made better. And I suppose that all I really am trying to say is: I really wish to cherish all those that I hold dear.
They are my lifelines. They are my happiness. They are my strength. And I wish to make each and everyone of them smile and shine.
Yes truly, as I listen to the bright relaxed music of an orchestra describing perfectly what summer should be, I think of all those I hold dear.
I love them all.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
How good is their vision?
20/20?
An epiphany came to me today, as I struggled to bridge the gap of two pairs of people - both content to shrink into their own personal worlds. I dislike being the leader of a group. It's a lonely position, and the one that requires most sacrifice. Rather than joining one couple over another, and having fun cuddling with the people I enjoy most, I had to share my time, lest the other group becomes jealous or alienated. In the subsequent back and forth walk, my ankle gave out. I found it funny and amusing, though sad. Tearing groups, however, seem like the least of these thoughts.
I suppose, I had felt more like a fifth wheel than anything. The two pairs of people, though all friends in name of relationship, hardly acted like so. Though I can understand it, I cannot help but feel alienated myself. I probably should have removed myself earlier in the evening. The energy to remain happy and positive, and to entertain others, simply was hard to come by. Oh well, I do not think anyone saw this struggle of mine. It seemed like everyone had a good time.
I just have a hope that one day, someone considers my happiness. I hope that one day, someone can see the little things I do and appreciates me for such things. Though, at the moment, I do not believe such people exist. At least not of the female gender. Ah well, one can still hope.
Speaking of courtship, I had found that I actually have pretty high standards for those I wish to consider for a relationship. They'd have to like me for the right reasons for one. For the others, well... I suppose it is improper for me to say it on a site such as this.
At the moment, I find myself wondering a few things, and doubting alot of my previous judgements. I hope I am proven wrong, though that is unlikely.
Which brings me back to the question: How good is their vision to see all that I see, and all that I hide?
An epiphany came to me today, as I struggled to bridge the gap of two pairs of people - both content to shrink into their own personal worlds. I dislike being the leader of a group. It's a lonely position, and the one that requires most sacrifice. Rather than joining one couple over another, and having fun cuddling with the people I enjoy most, I had to share my time, lest the other group becomes jealous or alienated. In the subsequent back and forth walk, my ankle gave out. I found it funny and amusing, though sad. Tearing groups, however, seem like the least of these thoughts.
I suppose, I had felt more like a fifth wheel than anything. The two pairs of people, though all friends in name of relationship, hardly acted like so. Though I can understand it, I cannot help but feel alienated myself. I probably should have removed myself earlier in the evening. The energy to remain happy and positive, and to entertain others, simply was hard to come by. Oh well, I do not think anyone saw this struggle of mine. It seemed like everyone had a good time.
I just have a hope that one day, someone considers my happiness. I hope that one day, someone can see the little things I do and appreciates me for such things. Though, at the moment, I do not believe such people exist. At least not of the female gender. Ah well, one can still hope.
Speaking of courtship, I had found that I actually have pretty high standards for those I wish to consider for a relationship. They'd have to like me for the right reasons for one. For the others, well... I suppose it is improper for me to say it on a site such as this.
At the moment, I find myself wondering a few things, and doubting alot of my previous judgements. I hope I am proven wrong, though that is unlikely.
Which brings me back to the question: How good is their vision to see all that I see, and all that I hide?
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Reach me
Morning dawns, cold and gray. The shafts of light barely penetrate the clouds, and hardly the slits in the windows, and certainly, not my heart. The world does not feel like summer, nor do I.
Another sleepless night.
I wonder what God has in store for me to day...
My daily bible verse from facebook says:
I suppose I have done much of that as of late. I know that envy is certainly not a good quality. I wish the Bible would teach me how to get rid of it. Perhaps, I just haven't read the chapter on that yet.
To be sure, I am happy for the good fortune of others. I merely despise myself for the lack of fortitude to able to share in their good fortune without loathing my own ill fortune. Had things gone differently... ah well. Such sighs and idle thoughts are hardly worth the time to entertain them. I must face the realities of everyday life without fear, and if I can help it, without any negative feelings. It would help probably if everything didn't come and hit me at once, but that is uncontrollable.
Though everything is hard right now, I will grin and bear it. There is nothing more I can do, though plenty more i wish to do...
Though loneliness is my ever present companion, and envy my constant enemy, somehow I'll make it through. After all... I've done it thus far. There are still those who depend on me, and I cannot allow myself to falter and make a poor example for them.
My Lord is with me. And hey, who knows, perhaps He will teach me to love unconditionally constantly.
That is my hope, and prayer.
Another sleepless night.
I wonder what God has in store for me to day...
My daily bible verse from facebook says:
June 10, 2008Where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.James 3:16
I suppose I have done much of that as of late. I know that envy is certainly not a good quality. I wish the Bible would teach me how to get rid of it. Perhaps, I just haven't read the chapter on that yet.
To be sure, I am happy for the good fortune of others. I merely despise myself for the lack of fortitude to able to share in their good fortune without loathing my own ill fortune. Had things gone differently... ah well. Such sighs and idle thoughts are hardly worth the time to entertain them. I must face the realities of everyday life without fear, and if I can help it, without any negative feelings. It would help probably if everything didn't come and hit me at once, but that is uncontrollable.
Though everything is hard right now, I will grin and bear it. There is nothing more I can do, though plenty more i wish to do...
Though loneliness is my ever present companion, and envy my constant enemy, somehow I'll make it through. After all... I've done it thus far. There are still those who depend on me, and I cannot allow myself to falter and make a poor example for them.
My Lord is with me. And hey, who knows, perhaps He will teach me to love unconditionally constantly.
That is my hope, and prayer.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Blank Pages
I have often wondered what I'm doing with my life. What is it that I'm reaching for? What is it that I'm searching for? If my life were to be taken tomorrow, should I look back with a sigh? Say that, perhaps, maybe... all this is not worth it.
I've done so much school. I'm fighting to get back into an institution that only adds status by weight of ink and paper to me in society.
There has to be MORE!
There is more that I want to do. More that I want to experience. More that I want to create. More that I want to learn. Much much more than this institution called school. My life is like the blank page that I see before me. There is so much to write.
Yet, here in this room, I gaze into the future beyond, and all i see are doubts and fears. Doubts that I cannot let go, fears that I cannot face. I feel weak in this struggle, angry that I have not the strength to conquer them. I feel trapped. Trapped between all the thoughts of what I should be thinking and feeling and doing, and the feelings that I am experiencing.
In the dim fading light, I wonder where I can find the strength and courage to traverse the path that I see. The gloominess becomes me, depression will set in soon. I know the signs. Three hundred sixty five and a quarter days in the year, and three hundred sixty five and a quarter days battling with myself and the easy temptations around me. Three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of doubts, and three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of steel resolution to squash those doubts. Three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of trying to conquer the darkness within me, three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of trying to remain positive.
And one slip, and the battle will be lost.
I fear these dark depths. I remember vividly the scenes from those dark moments. They are a constant unwelcome companion. I see myself at the edge of that balcony, looking down, once more. I think very carefully about how much I'm actually worth: 43 kg of oxygen, 16 kg of carbon, 140 g of potassium, 100 g of sodium, 4.2 g of iron... four digit number in the bank, seven digit number to society...
And there, the sudden realization that I need to stop thinking this way. I have to stop these thoughts. I need to remain positive.
There is so much more to life than to spend the moments in gloomy contemplation. There is so much more than struggle against self damnation and pity. There has to be more.
So what if people in the same situation, in the same vantage point, had gone off free without harm or scratch. So what if fortune had not favored me thusly. Screw my sinking depression. It's a mere handicap to make some game fair. I can still create. I can still bear. I can still fight.
I can still win.
So what if the rewards that I have reaped for giving as much as I had were bleeding wounds that heal so slowly, and scars that do not fade? Shall I look around and curse them for their fortune, and curse mine? Shall I change my ways and betray the only good that's in me? Shall I join the selfish schemes of the rest of them, leeching off of the pure hearts that they see? I shall not. And will not.
I can still win. Damn it, I can still win. With or without the help of fortune, with or without the help of a faithful friend pointing the way...
I can still win.
That is it, and that is all there is to it. I will battle. To hell with all these doubts, and gazing into this abyss. One way or another I have to walk this path anyway right? There are no other roads. So that's it then. I've stood too still for too long, gazing and fearing. I just need to walk.
Should they reject my petition, I will just have to fight on. Should they refute me a hundred times, I'll just have to try a hundred and one.
Damn it, i'll do it. The critical days and hours are drawing near. I have faced this before. I have carried these burdens this far. I have battled this long. I have wrote and rewritten, I have spoke and respoken, I have challenged and rechalleged. This is nothing new. This picture is nothing.
Though I falter and stumble, and at times even doubt the God above me, I know that He is still with me, and I shall break through. After all, I only battle with myself, and struggle with myself.
I can still win.
I've done so much school. I'm fighting to get back into an institution that only adds status by weight of ink and paper to me in society.
There has to be MORE!
There is more that I want to do. More that I want to experience. More that I want to create. More that I want to learn. Much much more than this institution called school. My life is like the blank page that I see before me. There is so much to write.
Yet, here in this room, I gaze into the future beyond, and all i see are doubts and fears. Doubts that I cannot let go, fears that I cannot face. I feel weak in this struggle, angry that I have not the strength to conquer them. I feel trapped. Trapped between all the thoughts of what I should be thinking and feeling and doing, and the feelings that I am experiencing.
In the dim fading light, I wonder where I can find the strength and courage to traverse the path that I see. The gloominess becomes me, depression will set in soon. I know the signs. Three hundred sixty five and a quarter days in the year, and three hundred sixty five and a quarter days battling with myself and the easy temptations around me. Three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of doubts, and three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of steel resolution to squash those doubts. Three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of trying to conquer the darkness within me, three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of trying to remain positive.
And one slip, and the battle will be lost.
I fear these dark depths. I remember vividly the scenes from those dark moments. They are a constant unwelcome companion. I see myself at the edge of that balcony, looking down, once more. I think very carefully about how much I'm actually worth: 43 kg of oxygen, 16 kg of carbon, 140 g of potassium, 100 g of sodium, 4.2 g of iron... four digit number in the bank, seven digit number to society...
And there, the sudden realization that I need to stop thinking this way. I have to stop these thoughts. I need to remain positive.
There is so much more to life than to spend the moments in gloomy contemplation. There is so much more than struggle against self damnation and pity. There has to be more.
So what if people in the same situation, in the same vantage point, had gone off free without harm or scratch. So what if fortune had not favored me thusly. Screw my sinking depression. It's a mere handicap to make some game fair. I can still create. I can still bear. I can still fight.
I can still win.
So what if the rewards that I have reaped for giving as much as I had were bleeding wounds that heal so slowly, and scars that do not fade? Shall I look around and curse them for their fortune, and curse mine? Shall I change my ways and betray the only good that's in me? Shall I join the selfish schemes of the rest of them, leeching off of the pure hearts that they see? I shall not. And will not.
I can still win. Damn it, I can still win. With or without the help of fortune, with or without the help of a faithful friend pointing the way...
I can still win.
That is it, and that is all there is to it. I will battle. To hell with all these doubts, and gazing into this abyss. One way or another I have to walk this path anyway right? There are no other roads. So that's it then. I've stood too still for too long, gazing and fearing. I just need to walk.
Should they reject my petition, I will just have to fight on. Should they refute me a hundred times, I'll just have to try a hundred and one.
Damn it, i'll do it. The critical days and hours are drawing near. I have faced this before. I have carried these burdens this far. I have battled this long. I have wrote and rewritten, I have spoke and respoken, I have challenged and rechalleged. This is nothing new. This picture is nothing.
Though I falter and stumble, and at times even doubt the God above me, I know that He is still with me, and I shall break through. After all, I only battle with myself, and struggle with myself.
I can still win.
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