Hazy Clarity

I suppose now, once again, I shall need to smile and put on a show. Though there have been many disappointments I will be strong despite the futility of my words and actions. It is always painful to watch someone close to me tread a road that is full of dangers and temptations and one slip would mean starting over at square one for them. This pain is accentuated by the mere fact that I understand that there are safer (though, perhaps harder) paths to take, and the knowledge that my guidance fall upon nearly deaf ears. Or, if they do hear it, their hearts lack the will to walk such other paths.

Thus, I must now walk a balance on thin red lines and deny myself to think or hope on any ground that I may have gained. Through the tribulations of previous and similar injuries, I am prepared to face such tasks that are set before me. I have little hope on recovering what would be probably inevitably lost to me, lest, in splendid revelation, they wake from their confusion and see through my veil, discerning all that I do. Though, I do not hold this likely.

Whilst people (and one particular) cover over selfish clandestine schemes with the appearance of benign virtue and meek humility, I broadcast my manipulative nature as a wall and as a false warning to mask and to protect my altruism, for fear of being abused. This leaves me feeling, as usual, a little lonely in the path I take for very few good people seem to be able to see past such friendly and polite smiles and guess the happy deeds I weave and commit. My morals do not allow me to claim credit for any such deed, and thus with subtle manipulation do I go about it. And yet, a part of me wishes for someone dear and special to be able to see through me, and appreciate me without thoughts of using me. I have been hurt far too much, and only here, in my relative anonymity, am I able to allow myself to drop my guard and speak with even this much clarity.

Perhaps, God has plans for testing me still, and I shall try to remain patient through such tortures and frustrations. There shall be light yet - on that I will trust God completely.