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I have often wondered what I'm doing with my life. What is it that I'm reaching for? What is it that I'm searching for? If my life were to be taken tomorrow, should I look back with a sigh? Say that, perhaps, maybe... all this is not worth it.

I've done so much school. I'm fighting to get back into an institution that only adds status by weight of ink and paper to me in society.

There has to be MORE!

There is more that I want to do. More that I want to experience. More that I want to create. More that I want to learn. Much much more than this institution called school. My life is like the blank page that I see before me. There is so much to write.

Yet, here in this room, I gaze into the future beyond, and all i see are doubts and fears. Doubts that I cannot let go, fears that I cannot face. I feel weak in this struggle, angry that I have not the strength to conquer them. I feel trapped. Trapped between all the thoughts of what I should be thinking and feeling and doing, and the feelings that I am experiencing.

In the dim fading light, I wonder where I can find the strength and courage to traverse the path that I see. The gloominess becomes me, depression will set in soon. I know the signs. Three hundred sixty five and a quarter days in the year, and three hundred sixty five and a quarter days battling with myself and the easy temptations around me. Three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of doubts, and three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of steel resolution to squash those doubts. Three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of trying to conquer the darkness within me, three hundred sixty five and a quarter days of trying to remain positive.

And one slip, and the battle will be lost.

I fear these dark depths. I remember vividly the scenes from those dark moments. They are a constant unwelcome companion. I see myself at the edge of that balcony, looking down, once more. I think very carefully about how much I'm actually worth: 43 kg of oxygen, 16 kg of carbon, 140 g of potassium, 100 g of sodium, 4.2 g of iron... four digit number in the bank, seven digit number to society...

And there, the sudden realization that I need to stop thinking this way. I have to stop these thoughts. I need to remain positive.

There is so much more to life than to spend the moments in gloomy contemplation. There is so much more than struggle against self damnation and pity. There has to be more.

So what if people in the same situation, in the same vantage point, had gone off free without harm or scratch. So what if fortune had not favored me thusly. Screw my sinking depression. It's a mere handicap to make some game fair. I can still create. I can still bear. I can still fight.

I can still win.

So what if the rewards that I have reaped for giving as much as I had were bleeding wounds that heal so slowly, and scars that do not fade? Shall I look around and curse them for their fortune, and curse mine? Shall I change my ways and betray the only good that's in me? Shall I join the selfish schemes of the rest of them, leeching off of the pure hearts that they see? I shall not. And will not.

I can still win. Damn it, I can still win. With or without the help of fortune, with or without the help of a faithful friend pointing the way...

I can still win.

That is it, and that is all there is to it. I will battle. To hell with all these doubts, and gazing into this abyss. One way or another I have to walk this path anyway right? There are no other roads. So that's it then. I've stood too still for too long, gazing and fearing. I just need to walk.

Should they reject my petition, I will just have to fight on. Should they refute me a hundred times, I'll just have to try a hundred and one.

Damn it, i'll do it. The critical days and hours are drawing near. I have faced this before. I have carried these burdens this far. I have battled this long. I have wrote and rewritten, I have spoke and respoken, I have challenged and rechalleged. This is nothing new. This picture is nothing.

Though I falter and stumble, and at times even doubt the God above me, I know that He is still with me, and I shall break through. After all, I only battle with myself, and struggle with myself.

I can still win.