Boys Don't Cry

They take walks instead.

There are definitely times when I feel like I am in constant battle. I wage war with my feelings, the negative ones that try to swarm me, and with the temptations that surround me. At times, I can imagine myself to be a lone hero doing battle with these things. They appear as shadowy forms with fangs and glowing pure red or black eyes. They laugh and snicker, dance about me, and glide phasing in and out of sight, leaving only their eyes in sight as they do. Their dark translucent bodies block out the light, a light that only seems to emanate from my heart. Hideous. Truly hideous.

I feel that that this metaphor describes very aptly the things I feel. I suppose, in a way, this post is a deep study of metaphor. As I walk through the night, well, even through the day, I see pairs of people walking from place to place. I even saw a pair of people tonight on my walk, praying together. As I gaze at them, I know that they do not battle alone, and perhaps the light shines brighter in their lives.

When, I pray, I feel that I, too, do not battle alone. Someone else walks beside me with a searing blinding light. The shadows vanish, and I can see that I am at a field with blooming flowers, green rolling hills, and sparkling bubbling brooks. Love.

Yet, it is not always easy being able to be in such a place. I suppose maybe I am just emotionally weak. It's the breach that allows in all these shades that haunt the night. My only defenses come from my faith which is my armor and the Bible my sword. Yet, because of how unstudied I am, cracks fill my armor, and rust dulls my sword. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed in this battle, sometimes I feel I can carry on.

Mostly, I hope that through the coming days I can gain more and more strength to win these battles. So that I can focus not on myself, but on others. So that I can not feel down about walking alone, but aid others in their own struggles. So that I can stop asking for someone to reach me in my loneliness, but to reach and lift up the people I care about. Everyone walks wanting people to think about them, and everyone wishes for others to take an initiative in their lives. I had never strove to be ordinary and I shall not do so now. I pray that I will stand against these weaknesses and vices of mine, and over come them with a spirit of giving and flowing love.

It is no excuse to be selfish and lazy when my mood strikes me down. With God's help, I shall overcome and reach ever closer towards true unrelenting, selfless love.

I feel His flowing through me already.