Of Love and Cynicism

Ah, perhaps it is the season, or perhaps it is the myriad of couples that wonder the flower filled campus, but I have started to wish and daydream for a girlfriend after suppressing the desire for awhile. Although, admittedly, I do not really think that I have ever gone long without that thought popping up in my mind.

I suppose I am honestly desperate for love. In shorter terms, I suppose that boils down to something between attention and romantic gazes and, in longer terms, that means something like a committed stable relationship that I can depend and trust with my partner able to do the same thing.

Upon reading and writing this, however, I realize what a sad, pathetic state I am in at the moment. These sort of thoughts should never be actually admitted, or if done so, should be written in some private journal somewhere buried under dictionaries and covered in dust. These are the very thoughts that burn a man to shame and condemn him of being weak and hopelessly romantic.

Yet, for merely the absurd reasons that I do not possess a private journal, and that I have promised myself that I shall be perfectly candid on this site, I have chosen to display my obvious weaknesses and shortcomings for any passerby to mock. I do not really understand why I adhere to the idea of having a perfectly candid blog like it represents all of my integrity as a person. Perhaps, I fear that if I close off even this avenue of sight to my otherwise walled-off, tank-patrolled core, I would utterly lose the ability to open up. After all, I am posting as a relatively anonymous person, without needing to see the reactions of anyone who reads this non-advertised space or confront it. Thus, if I stop posting here, perhaps I have turned truly and entirely cowardly. That, and I'm sure some part of my conscious craves for some sort of attention that my brain has convinced itself must exist out in a void of empty Internet space.

Wow, this is indeed an introspective psychological analysis of one used to psycho-analyzing everything. I'm sure if I tried to dive deeper into my own psyche my mind might implode at the infinite-loop.

Yet, all that rambling aside, I shall state that I am pretty unafraid to say aloud what I desire. Though, this outspokenness on my part can be called a human failing, I do not really care. I really have started to miss courtship and all that really comes with it. If only, and this is a truly laughable wish, I could find someone that I do not have to pursue, but instead, some sort of reciprocation of actions and wants manifest openly, actively, and even proactively. This would be incredible.

Incredible meaning unbelievable. I don't really understand it myself, but I suppose I have gotten sort of jaded to the process of dating. It seems like the task of initiating anything have always and forever fallen squarely into the lap of the male species, even in this 21st century. This isn't really so bad, and I really am just lamenting, but sometimes I do wonder if I should be a person that merely likes to take. It certainly would be a lot easier, and for some reason, it also seems to be an attractive quality in a male.

Ah, I shall never understand it.

All this whining and cynicism aside, (this is the part where Wei comes back to being Wei and not a presumptuous fool) I guess I am merely in want of a relationship which a two way street exists. I shall never be the bastard that I always say I want to be because I don't believe that actually attracts women, and because, well, I simply cannot. I suppose I just like to verbally strike this type of character of a man (because they actually exist) when I feel frustrated and cynical.

In any case, I have not lost heart yet, and hopefully, I never will. I know that, in some cases, the things I look for in a person is difficult to find (like good intentions, a willingness to try new things, and a proactive wish to give) but, then again, I believe in God. If I can believe in an all powerful being that can see and do anything, I can believe that He will find someone that I can fit with, despite my own wishes and whatnot. I, afterall, can also be a very difficult person to deal with and, I am not altogether anywhere close to being a saint.

So perhaps eventually God will lead me to a nun, or perhaps a succubus. Ah, we shall see. In any case, I shall endeavor to be less cynical on this subject and keep hoping. After all, I feel that Wei without his idealism and starry-eyed hope is like the sun without light. It'd be just some defiled, raging husk of a thing.

And no one wants that. =)