A Note from my Past

I had been digging through my old writings today and I found a story I had written during the beginning of my senior year of high school. It was titled "A story loosely based on modern life" or perhaps "Aie Kaan". I remember at one point sending it out in e-mails to my friends as a series of chapters. They had enjoyed it, I believe.

Reading the story again after so long, I had expected myself to react with strong, vehement disdain like I usually do when reading past pieces. Yet, this one managed to escape this anger. In fact, I found myself enjoying the piece, admiring it, and at time, even finding life lessons in it. It joins the only other piece that I had written in my high school days that had managed to do this, Skip and Shuffle.

To be sure, the writing lacked some maturity in places. Some bits of grammar were wrong and some descriptions sub-par or even nonexistent. Yet, as a whole, the story and particularly the voice of the piece stuck out admirably. I was surprised that I could write such a thing. Even more surprising, as I had hinted at earlier, I managed to gain some deeper insight about life that I had perhaps lost touch with since then through this piece. In fact, I could almost say that though the piece was written in a very stream of consciousness fashion, the honesty of it and the inclusiveness of all my thoughts at the time seemed very much like a letter to me from my past to my present self written in story form. At times this simile seemed eerily true.

The story starts out with somewhat of a discourse by the main character about how life felt so very boring to him. He follows this by saying that he wished for adventure, even if, while on the adventure, he starts wishing for a normal life again. The main character understands perfectly well that stories of "wishing for adventure" oftentimes leads to the moral of "be careful of what you wish for", but he wishes to learn this lesson firsthand instead of suffering the monotony and mediocrity of everyday life. Perhaps, he stipulates, he would appreciate it more.

I cannot help but marvel at how clairvoyant the piece was about the future of my life from that point forward. I was indeed thrust into an adventure called college, and indeed, during the turbulent years I wished dearly to return to some ordinary, run of the mill, mediocre life. Truly, I have started to appreciate my past time in high school, and I would often think about it fondly.

Yet, here, the story of "Aie Kaan" seems to antipate this and within, a gem of insight rests for me to gleen here at 21 years of age. I shall not paraphrase here, but rather, just display it. Though I think the virtues of the followinig philosophy to be idealistic, I cannot help but to embrace it. So, in all its unedited, raw form, here is an excerpt of the story that was loosely based on modern life:

Life had these moments that I’d love to replay over and over again. I remember, quite vividly, one beautiful, sunny day. That gorgeous summer day probably could not have been more perfect. The sky shone a deep azure and the wind swept gently along the field. Most of my friends had found their way back from their various travel places. (We threw a surprise party for one that didn’t.) My friends’ eyes sparkled with genuine laughter. The world, full of its stresses, worries and noise, fell away. For that splendid time, the laughing faces, the bright blue sky, the green grass, that was my world.

Sometimes I think about those times or events like it. Sometimes, I’d wish those times would be my world again. I wished to take up that figurative remote control and rewind to those times. I would replay it over and over again. Yet, like I said, I would probably never use that remote control. An overwhelming principle stops me. To live in the past, to wish to go back to those times, can be defined as escapism. It implies a general belief that all that is good has already happened, and it inspires an apathetic attitude to the present. After all, if all my thoughts dwelled in the past, how could I possibly live in the present? By virtue of polarity, if all my thoughts worried about the future, I still could not live in the present.

So, I let go of that remote control. It is not for me to use. God deemed me to be here and now and here and now I shall stay. Like a little toy boat at the mercy of a mighty river, so I float on the mighty river of time. Yet, this is my adventure, my excitement that I was seeking. I would never be able to find the pyramids if I stayed in the harbor of my past. So, I’m swept onward on this river, drinking in each moment.

Indeed, I am reminded by this note from my past to live life to the fullest at this very moment. This is my adventure and I need to live it.