Love

I finally have internet after not having it for awhile. Consequently, the whole of June and alot of July has no posts. I suppose that's ok. Nothing had been too noteworthy. I moved into a new apartment and started summer classes and met an interesting girl. My thoughts on her distract me through many days and I think I may have feelings for her. Yet, as always, I am simply too analytical about myself on the subject. I fear that I am in love with love or with simply the idea of love, and thus, I love too simply and easily. Perhaps it is not the girl at all that I am interested in, but rather the feelings of being in love.

That is fine, I suppose. The answer that clarifies this whole thing is simply to explore it further, and thus, at the moment, all roads lead down the same path. This is not to say that most of me is skeptical about my feelings and thus, I must enact some sort of plot to distinguish clearly all the jumble. It probably is simply my fears getting the best of me. Fears of getting hurt or whatever. So, I have to rationalize this fear somehow. The best ways seems to question the logic of my feelings entirely.

It is, as they say, how I defend myself.

It's strange the subject of love. People catogorize it in so many different ways. Some people have this thing called "friendship love" and "mom and dad love" and "relationship love". I never really understood all of that too well. Let me illustrate.

Some people tell me I'm a nice person by nature, or that I always have some tendency to see the good in people (generally). I know people also wonder if I am mostly like that or is it simply a face I put on to meet people with, because of course, I can't always be like that. Without any pride, and just a little partiality, I would like to think that I am mostly nice.

But that's not how I think about it. It was kinda weird explaining how I looked at the world to people. Alot of people who know me, and especially the girls that I had been romantic with, say that I use the word "love" a lot and too liberally. I say "I love you" too often to too many different people. So that when I say it, it probably has no value.

I did alot of thinking and I realized that is completely false. I really mean it when I say "I love you" to my friends - even if I say it with a smile and to escape from trifling guilt. I think about them all the time. From my old friends back in North Carolina, to the friends I had met just as I moved to Vancouver (even though we started out being morel like rivals), to the friends I had met each school year, to the ones who broke my heart, to the ones that made me laugh, to the ones who listened to me, to the ones I listened to, to the ones who still talk to me and the ones who don't... I think about them all. And some way or another, somewhere in my heart, no matter the history I had with them or the present circumstances, I still love them.

That's probably why I have more lady friends than guy friends. Guys think I'm gay when I say stuff like that.

I recently read an article that had a study of human nature. In most humans the wish to do "evil" is much more compelling than the wish to do "good". As calvin and hobbes illustrates good simply doesn't put up a fight sometimes. In alot of cases, this is true for me.

Yet as the writer of the article says, the cracks of this type of thinking show up when we add love to the equation. He says: "We are often good simply because we love."

I love that quote. That explains me so simply. I like to love, and thus, I am kind.

It may be a virtue to some, and I am thankful for that. Yet, now, as the strings of romance start to sing once again, I am at odds with my personality. Girls like to be loved (as with anyone I suppose), and they wish to be loved solely. Yet, to come back to the point, there are times when I cannot answer the question: "What makes my love for her any different than my love for my best friends?"

I would die for them all. Put down whatever I was doing to help any of them. Simply, I love everyone. So, the love I have for them are different simply because one is for one and the other is for another? Hmmm....

As always, with the subject of love, I am a confused mixture of happiness and questions. Hopefully, I can be content without needing to find answers, for like I said in the beginning, perhaps my wish to rationalize everything comes from my fears.

I hope the one who is Love will give me guidance. I will put all my faith and trust in Him.